grief: one month

One month ago, I lost my Dad. The man who I looked up to more than anything; even though I never really got to tell him that.

I can’t say that this last month has been easy. Sometimes the littlest reminder would send me into an emotional roller coaster. Maybe it was someone else mentioning their dad, or finding a card with his handwriting on it. I even walked by someone who smelled like him and completely lost it.

I’ve heard so many times, “it will get easier.” And, maybe one day it will. But for now, it is a miracle when I can get through the day without crying.

I mean, I’m only 26. There was so much more time that I should have gotten with him. So much more to learn.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m incredibly thankful for those 26 years. He never missed something that I was involved in. Every dance recital, play, or otherwise. He saw me graduate college and got to walk me down the isle when I married the love of my life. He was so proud of my sister and I. I’m grateful for all of those memories.

Seems so silly now, but if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t know half of the things I do. How to chop wood. How to start a charcoal grill. How to fix just about anything. How to check my oil in my car. I have to admit that I enjoyed getting to learn all of these things from him. Seeing him in his “element” and teaching me how to do these things, was when he would light up the most.

My darkest moments are at night when my mind is wandering. When it feels like everyone else has forgotten what happened. When I mentally feel drained. When I just wish that I could hear his voice one more time.

My Dad has sent me so many little signs. He has tested my skills in fixing a drain and pipe (funny mess dad!), sent butterflies to say hello, and has even given me a hug in my dreams. I will continue to look for these little signs to know that he is okay.

For now, I will cherish the memories I have with him and I will spend every day trying to make you proud, Daddy! I know you will still be there for my biggest accomplishments in life; I’d like to think that now you will have a hand in them <3

With love always.

One Comment

  1. Michelle Brennan

    That was beautiful!! Thanks for the cry, not that i haven’t done enough in the last month!! he is on my mind every minute of every day!!!

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